LunaescenceLunaescence
 
"Fact of the Day" by Hametsu e no Rondo


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Ayu: Um. I have an explanation for this fic. It’s 3 in the morning and I randomly remembered something from sex ed. last year. And I happened to relate the fact to Kanda. >__>

PLEASE DON’T KILL ME, KANDA!

By the way…every fact in here is true. XD

Disclaimer: Ayu doesn’t own DGM at all and blah blah blah. Don’t you guys get tired of these things?
“I’m ba~ack!”

Immediately after the two measly, innocent, darling little words, everyone groaned simultaneously. For two weeks, they lived in peace. There were no new versions of Komurin to threaten their lives (yet), there were no major Akuma attacks or Noah for that matter (again, yet), and there certainly wasn’t the devil screaming the most ridiculous facts in their ears.

A yet is not needed for the last one.

“Hey, Allen,” you chirped, jumping on the poor little beansprout while ignoring his protests, “did you know that a normal human eats about 60,000 pounds of food in their lifetime? Now with all the food you’ve eaten in your small 15 years of life, you’d have probably eaten fifty elephants by now!”

Allen looked horrified. Elephants? He didn’t eat elephants! He ate cows, pigs, chickens, fish–ok, maybe all that does equal an elephant. Somehow.

You didn’t seem to notice his traumatized expression as you skipped over to you next victim. When you spotted the large mass of red hair, you squealed in joy.

“Lavi!”

“(Y/n)!” the male exclaimed, so accustomed to your strange babblings he actually looked forward to them.

“Did you know that if Barbie was a real person, her measurements would be 39-23-33?”

Lavi went silent. How in god’s name did you ever find that out? No, wait, that was a stupid question. Somehow, you knew everything. Everything. And by everything, he meant all the useless facts in the world that no one would ever really care about. I mean, come on. Barbie’s measurements? Let’s all dot together.

Dot dot dot.

“That’s… nice.”

But it was already too late; you had left to find a new person to bother. Your eyes gleamed when you saw not one, but two new victims. The infamous brother-sister pair: Komui and Lenalee!

“(Y/n), you’re back,” Komui commented with a grin. He had actually known about your arrival even before you stepped through the doors. After all, if people are holding their heads in agony, it’s no doubt your doing. Then again, it could have easily been a migraine, but you caused most migraines anyway. He once remembered having to create a new cure for (y/n)-induced migraines.

“What’ve you got to tell us now?” Lenalee asked, being one of the very few who enjoyed your random facts.

“Well,” you began, tapping your chin thoughtfully, “most lipstick is made of fish scales, so I wouldn’t wear makeup if I were you, Lenalee. Actually, wait, I don’t wear it anyway. Then again, there was that one time I did for a mission, but it was an icky mission…”

Lenalee raised an eyebrow, confused at both your fact for her and your incessant mumbling. Fish scales? How did that work? Did they grind the scales or–actually, she didn’t want to know anymore.

Komui pouted, “What about my fact, (y/n)-chan?”

“Hmm.”

“You don’t have a fact for me?” Komui gasped, holding a hand to his heart. Not even a second later, you poked him. Why? Poking Komui looked like fun.

“How about this: you can spell Lenalee’s name, Lavi’s name, Kanda’s dreaded first name, and whore out on the periodic table of elements!” [1]

“…You can’t spell Lenalee.”

“Ah, but you can spell Linali, Renare, and Renali, but the last two aren’t right. Oh! And you can also spell Rabi, Ravi, and Labi too!”

While Komui pondered all the other names one could possibly make on the periodic table of elements, you leaped and bounded away, leaving chaos and destruction wherever you went.

…Oh look, another group of (y/n)-induced migraine victims.

~~~

Kanda raised a thin eyebrow at the amount of damage in the Black Order’s headquarters. People were on the ground, either twitching or presumed dead. Was there an Akuma? No, there couldn’t have been. No Akuma could sneak into their headquarters. A Noah maybe? No, that was a stupid thought too.

That only left one person.

“KANDA!”

And out came Mugen.

“Hey, Kanda, did you know–WATCH IT!”

Why on earth would Kanda want to kill you? It was just so mean! And you haven’t even gotten to the part he’d love the most!

“Take one step closer and I’ll kill you,” he threatened, pointing the pretty life-endangering sword at you.

“But can I tell you something?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“Too bad!” you replied, blocking his Mugen with your own anti-Akuma weapon: a kendama [2]. You opened your mouth wide, though nothing but a high “eep” escaped. After all, screaming is one of the first reactions to almost having your head chopped off. It took you a few good seconds to get away from Kanda. Now he was in hearing distance, but your safety was secure.

“Now,” you began, straightening yourself out, “did you know everyone was female at first? That’s why guys have nipples!

Dot dot dot.

“See, Kanda, you’re not the only feminine guy out---WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”

And thus began the game of “Chase (y/n)-chan around with Mugen until she dies”.

~~~

Allen, who was now out of his comatose state, watched you and Kanda run around in circles. He was soon joined by Lavi and Lenalee, all three of them groaning or smiling. Of course, the groans and smiles soon turned into looks of fear when they heard an explosion.

“Hey, isn’t arguing the first sign of love?” Lenalee piped up, eyes following your squirrel-like form.

“…I doubt this is called arguing,” Allen replied meekly, wincing at the sounds of a crash.

“Well, Yu’s version of arguing does involve a lot of,” another crash, a sheepish smile from Lavi, “destruction.”

The three looked at each other before shaking their heads. No way. Kanda wanted to kill you because you annoyed him, not because he loved you.

…But just in case, they’d keep the random fact from you.

~Owari~

Ayu: I think I broke my brain looking up these facts. XD

And it’s true! When first conceived, everyone was a female. They become males later on in the pregnancy. So, that totally explains every single effeminate boy ever created, even in anime. :D

[1]- Freaking Mao and her crazy ideas. I didn’t even have to look up a crazy, science-based fact, she gave it to me. XD
[2]- This is a kendama. They’re really fun to play with.

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