Loving me will not be easy.
It will be war.
You will hold the gun,
and I will hand you the bullets.
and embrace the beauty
of the massacre that lies ahead.
- R.M. Drake
“Can you stop looking at me like that? It’s creeping me out.”
You snapped your head up just a fraction of an inch, eyes growing a little wider at the semi-malicious tone encasing the voice speaking to you. Realizing you had indeed been staring--and at Eren Jӓger for that matter--you pursed your lips and shaped your face to define frustration. Scoffing, you crossed your arms and looked away.
“As if, Jӓger,” you sneered with disdain dripping from every syllable. “I’m not so bored as to stare at your pathetic face. I was looking out the window, if you must know.” You casually flipped a page in your textbook, secretly hoping your ruse was working. It wasn’t like you had meant to stare at him, it just...happened sometimes. In your defense he did have pretty eyes, but you would never admit to thinking as such. You just hoped you could convince him of your fib until your next class was set to start.
It was Eren’s turn to scoff, and you noticed your favorite features narrow in suspicion. “Listen, you’ve always been a terrible liar and it has only gotten worse with age. I think--”
Eren’s sentence (whatever it was going to be, and unfortunately you were a little curious) was cut off as the professor walked in, slamming his book down on the front desk given to him for lectures. Without even so much as a hello he began writing an equation on the board, and for a moment you took the opportunity to check out of reality and get lost in your thoughts (this time making sure to not stare at the shaggy haired head of the man you’d known since childhood).
Who does he think he is, anyway? you thought to yourself, lightly tapping your pencil against the wooden desk in front of you. So what if he’s known me since I was five. He’s always been a worse liar than me anyways. How do we even keep ending up in the same damn classes? Do I have to leave the damn continent to get away from the annoying little shit that is Eren Jӓger?
You’d known Eren as an annoying little shit ever since your kindergarten teacher decided it would be a good idea to have him sit next to you. You’d tried introducing yourself (the best way a 5 year old knew how, anyway), but he took the opportunity to steal your crayon you’d been using to color and promptly broke it in half with a snicker. You then took the liberty to send your tiny palm straight across his smug, chubby face.
It really hadn’t gotten any better (or more mature for that matter) as the two of you aged. There was an unspoken competition between the two of you, never mind the fact that you were both relatively the same height and shared a similar amount of strength and intelligence.
When you were set to participate in your elementary’s track and field day, Eren made sure he was at every station that you were. The gym coach and your teachers were all so in awe of the two of you that they just stood back and watched with dumbfounded looks, and at the end when you would both run breathless up to the station manager and demand to know who won (screaming at each other in between words), none of them could give a straight answer. You’d both ended up walking away with 1st place ribbons, your tiny little fists clutched tightly around the fabric as you argued all the way back to your classroom which one of you was the real winner.
In middle school, you two had somehow accidentally chosen to do the same science fair project, but by the time you’d realized it, it was too late to change. Angry fingers were pointed and voices were thrown as you both accused the other of copying while your science teacher just sat dejectedly in their chair. It was at some point executively decided by your teacher that the two of you would enter the national competition together and register as a pair so as to combine your projects into one. This, your science teacher realized some time later, was one of the biggest regrets and mistakes of their life. Somehow the two of you had caused a fire to erupt during the competition, and on the way home you’d managed to give the bus driver a heart attack. Okay, that last one wasn’t any more your fault than the 8 or 9 donuts the bus driver stuffed in his face daily, but it still happened and you were still blamed.
By the time high school rolled around, your school was actively trying to keep you and Eren out of the same classroom. But considering you were both going to be foreign language majors, it was pretty difficult--and downright impossible, really. You ended up in the same math classes and had to share your foreign language class because it was the only one offered, so that made your schedules pretty similar. The school’s foreign language department often participated competitions where you would recite poetry, translate passages, and hold trivia matches all in the foreign language. Of course both you and Eren joined, though it was to each of your chagrin that the other was there. The volunteers of said competition would claim afterward that they’d never had two members on the same trivia team yelling at each other more than they yelled at the other team.
At the end of your senior year, you had officially made the decision to get as far away from Eren fucking Jӓger as possible. Up until then you hadn’t had any choice in the matter, but seeing as it was completely up to you as to where you wanted to receive your college education, you were determined. You kept your choice a complete secret, even lying to your friends when they asked by saying you still weren’t sure. If your choice never reached the light of day, then there was no way Eren would choose to go there. Statistically it was next to impossible.
Except it wasn’t.
Somehow through all of your deliberate planning and secrecy, Eren had still chosen to go to the same university as you. And on top of that, he’d signed up for the same algebra class, too. Imagine your surprise when you saw that familiar unkempt head of hair and bright sea-green eyes. You’d tried for a solid 10 minutes to convince yourself it was just a guy who looked really, really similar, but it was to no avail. Because as soon as that damn Jӓger boy opened his mouth, all hope was lost.
You were now 2 months into said college education, and Eren’s presence had not lessened in annoyance. Your professor was the type to assign seats, and for some reason he had placed the two of you right next to one another.
You flipped to the next page in your textbook, hearing Eren do the same. God, you were so attuned to him and his movements that it vexed your entire being. You hated your subconscious, though you couldn’t entirely blame it--you’d trained it for nineteen years to constantly compensate for Eren’s presence.
“Look at the equation on the board. What’s the answer?” your professor questioned, fishing through his paperwork as he waited for someone to speak up.
Both you and Eren had called out answers at the same time, though obviously different. You both clenched your fists and glanced at the other out of your peripherals. Gritting your teeth in frustration, you laughed ironically, shaking your head.
“I think Eren is confused,” you spoke aloud, turning your head to face him. “He probably didn’t do the last homework assignment.”
“What she’s trying to say,” Eren began through his own grit teeth, the papers beneath his fists in crumbles. “Is she’s embarrassed by how wrong she is. Clearly the answer is--”
“The answer is fourteen,” a tiny voice piped up from across the room, and both you and Eren glanced in their direction. “You’re both wrong.”
“Well done, Armin,” the professor congratulated, offering the blonde a smile before turning his face toward the two of you, his expression morphing to displeasure. “And as for you two--I will not have a repeat of last class. Get yourselves together or you can help yourselves to the door.”
You both quieted and shifted in your seats, obviously embarrassed by the stares from the rest of the class. You bit your lip and tried to focus on the blurring words in your textbook, desperately attempting to make the connection between you and Eren go away. Any shift he made, any little breath--it was driving you crazy. Why couldn’t you just have a life without the brunette for once?
It wasn’t but fifteen minutes later that the two of you were at each other’s throat again, the class having been instructed to pair up with the person next to them to complete a worksheet on the projector. You slammed your hands down on Eren’s desk, pointing to the equation you were arguing over.
“The rule clearly fucking states we divide first,” you snarled, taking your pencil to scribble on the paper to show him the steps.
Eren was quick to erase every little mark you made on the paper, senselessly arguing with you for a solid 30 seconds while the rest of the class went completely silent. Your voices rose and rose until you were both stood up screaming at each other, pointing accusingly.
“You’re an idiot!” Eren claimed, eyes wide with conviction.
“And you’re an egotistical jackass!”
A loud bang! stopped you both in your tracks. Flinching, you both immediately knew what was about to happen.
“YOU TWO,” your professor boomed, his face red and his shoulders heaving from anger, “OUT. OF. MY. CLASSROOM!”
“This is all your fault,” Eren mumbled as the door shut behind the two of you. You snapped your head in his direction.
“My fault? I’m not the one that has to argue with literally every single thing--”
“Do you even hear yourself?! What do you think you’re doing now?!”
“Being really fucking annoyed, that’s what! I swear to God, Eren Jӓger, if I fail this class because of you…”
Your class was on the 6th floor of a building, so the two of you were headed towards the nearest elevator. As you arrived, you angrily reached a finger out and pounded it against the button, probably way harder than you ever intended to.
“Fuck!” you cursed, your voice echoing throughout the empty hallway. Since class was in session, there was no one else around you and Eren, and that included a typically-empty elevator. The tell-tale ding sound emitted as the doors slid open, but you were too busy clutching your finger with water growing in your eyes to notice.
“A-ah, hey!” Eren called, hesitantly stepping toward you. “D-dumbass! What have you done?!”
You grit your teeth to control your emotions, not wanting Eren to see just how hurt you truly were. Not only was it embarrassing that you’d managed to injure your finger in such a way, but the last thing you needed was for him to see you cry and never let you live it down. Spinning from him, you stormed into the empty elevator and immediately began pressing the close button with an uninjured finger, hoping that you would manage to get them closed before he could step in.
No such luck. Eren slipped through the doors in record time, coming to stand next to you as they finally shut. Staring at you with wide eyes, Eren was seemingly at a loss for what to do. You were still very much in-tune with him, subconsciously monitoring his uneven, nervous breathing and staggering stature. You expected him to start laughing, to berate you for even questioning his earlier claim regarding your intelligence, to take a photo and share it on his SnapChat or something--
“Lemme see,” he murmured quietly, reaching out to grab the forearm that belonged to your bum finger. Your eyes widened in surprise, and you were too caught-off-guard to do anything but let him raise your hand toward his observant gaze. He hissed and you bit your lip, too afraid to look at it yourself. “Seems you broke your nail and there’s a pretty bad bruise forming...I can already see swelling. You should really get this looked at.”
I already am getting it looked at, you thought bitterly, part of ready to snatch your arm out of his grasp with fury, but the stronger part of you--the part that was somehow enjoying the warmth of his touch--was slowly but surely winning.
“A-aren’t you gonna l-laugh at me, or something?” you managed to say, and although you attempted at making it sound angry, it came out fairly weak and meager in comparison. You cursed yourself mentally. “C-call me stupid?”
You heard Eren scoff ironically. “Yeah, actually,” he said, and you were sure he was going to drop your arm but yet you continued to feel his warmth, his fingers running idly up and down the skin of your forearm in what you could only guess was an effort to comfort your pain. “You are pretty stupid, but what special kind of asshole would I be if I laughed at you while you were in pain?”
Your breath hitched in your throat. You’d never known Eren to be particularly kind--at least to you, though you had seen his passion many times. Perhaps, you momentarily mused, you’d just never been given the right opportunity to witness it. You and Eren’s strained relationship was, after all, just as much your fault as it was his. It wasn’t like you didn’t argue back with him or scream just as loudly as he did.
There were minutes of pregnant silence between the two of you, neither of you seemingly knowing where to go from here. Eren was still awkwardly holding your arm, but at this point it would be awkward to let it go, and you had no idea what to say. It was then that you snuck a glance at the panel in the elevator, noticing that neither of you had pushed a floor and so, like it does, the elevator was just sitting there.
You reached out with the arm that Eren wasn’t holding to push the bottom floor, but Eren tugged you backward. You turned your head toward him with furrowed brows, ready to question why would stop you, when your gaze met his. You froze in place, eyes widening at the look on his face. There was something there, something you couldn’t quite place your finger on because in all your nineteen years of knowing Eren Jӓger, he had never looked at you quite like that.
He seemed to snap out of his stupor as soon as you said his name, and you wondered if you should regret doing so. Frowning, he reached out and pressed the button for floor number three, and you looked from the panel back to him in confusion.
“What are you doing?” you asked, knowing that the exit to the building was on floor one. “That’s not--”
“You need to see a nurse,” Eren explained, and it dawned on you that the third floor contained the medical ward. “You could have broken it and there’s no way I’m letting you walk around with a gimp finger.”
“Eren, I’m fine,” you insisted, yanking your arm away from him and using the other to wipe the tears from your eyes. “It’s probably nothing, I just jammed it. It--it doesn’t even hurt.” Lie.
Eren clenched his teeth angrily. “Liar. Like I said earlier, you’ve always been terrible at lying; I can see right through it.”
“Don’t pretend like you know me, Jӓger!” you snapped back, the pain from your finger and your frustration at the boy in front of you growing your anger.
“But I do fucking know you!”
“As if!” you snarled, clutching your injured finger to your chest as angry tears built behind your eyes. “You know me because for some unknown reason life has put us in class together since we were five, but you do not know me, Eren Jӓger!”
Eren’s breathing was growing erratic as he lost control of his anger, and you noticed it immediately. A small part of you felt guilty, but you used your rage to ignore it. Despite this realization, you couldn’t stop yourself, you had to keep going, had to make your point and drive Eren Jӓger out of your life once and for all.
“You’re an asshole with an ego too big for his head,” you growled out, sending daggers his way. “You’ve never been anything but a jerk to me from the day we met, always trying to prove you were right, that I was too stupid, that I should listen to you…well not today!” you yelled, angry tears beginning to slide down the contours of your cheeks. “Now I suggest if you don’t want your nose driven into that tiny ass brain of yours, you will leave me alone! For good!”
You half expected the man to scream angrily back at you, calling you every name under the book and continuing to tell you how wrong you were. It was what he would have done in elementary school, in middle school, and in high school. You thought you had Eren Jӓger just as much figured out as he did you.
Which was why you were so surprised when he was pressing you against the elevator wall, arms on either side of you, and his face mere centimeters from your own.
You felt heat rush to your cheeks at the close proximity between the two of you, and though you had always been tuned into Eren’s movements and actions, you were now astutely aware that you could feel his breathing, his chest pressed aggressively into yours as he rooted you to your spot.
He was glaring angrily into your eyes, searching them with his own for some sort of answer you weren’t going to give. He smelled distinctly of sandalwood, and had this not been a terribly awkward situation filled with tears, anger and confusion, you would have laughed at how much you liked it. He stood several inches higher than you, making you discern the fact that at some point Eren Jӓger had grown taller than you. Eren’s lithe and thin stature was suddenly much more noticeably muscular and you silently wondered when he even had time to work out, and why you hadn’t noticed all of these things about the boy--man--that was so close to you until now.
Why was someone you had convinced yourself you hated so thoroughly suddenly causing your carefully-built walls to crumble down around you?
Your heart was thumping loudly in your ears and your face was on fire. You were searching his eyes just as much as he was yours and you sinfully snuck a glance at his lips, parted ever-so-slightly as the angry breaths escaped his lungs. Swallowing thickly, you clenched your hands into fists at your sides, purposefully using the pain in your finger to try and distract you from the effervescent being that was Eren Jӓger.
The air was so heavy that you felt you could slice it with a knife. And then you heard Eren scoff.
“You want me to leave you alone?” he growled into the shell of your ear, and you felt your muscles constrict from the way his warm breath felt against your skin. A shiver raked through your body as he tilted his head, those confusingly bluish-green eyes narrowing in thought. “You want me to go away?”
He was silent then, pausing as if waiting for your answer. A tiny sigh escaped you as you realized how tense you were, and for a lack of knowing what else to do or say to the intimidating man, you simply nodded your head. It had been what you’d said after all.
Eren stared at you for a few seconds longer, eyes surveying your face. Just when you thought he was about to move away and allow you to breathe, he was suddenly all-too-close again, that same challenging look defining his features that you’d seen too many times in your life to not be able to perceive what exactly it was. Still in shock, however, you barely noticed one of Eren’s hands beginning to move from its position pressed flat against the wall, and you were too enamored with Eren’s masculine smell overwhelming your senses to properly focus on the fact his lips were nearly touching your ear.
Eren’s hand fisted the back of your head, grasping your hair in a vice-like grip as he leaned down. His voice came out rough and raspy, the pure determination and passion behind them enough to stun you into oblivion as the next seconds ticked by entirely too slow.
The same hand that had grasped your hair used its newly-found power to twist your head the way he wanted and then his lips were on yours, and the first thing you managed to think was how Eren the kiss was, how much it defined the type of person he was. Impulse, a twinge of anger, and God so much passion. Your eyes fluttered shut and the arm that wasn’t caged to your side sprang to life and cupped his chiseled jaw, thumb skimming the skin and slight stubble located there. Your body involuntarily leaned closer to his and he seemed to take it with welcomed vigor, his tongue barely slithering along the edge of your bottom lip as a carnal sound unintentionally slipped from his throat.
By the time the two of you were pulling away, you were both breathless. While Eren’s chest have heaved in anger before, now it rose and fell quickly but calmly. You could feel the heat staining your cheeks and the familiar feeling of dried tears on your skin. You were embarrassed by the way you must have looked, and shifted your eyes away from Eren’s intense, exalted expression, as if to hide. Your teeth chewed into your bottom lip while your tongue used the chance to run lazily along it, secretly trying to imprint the feeling of Eren’s in your mind.
Eren seemed to understand you were trying to shield your discomfort and you heard the shift of his clothing before you felt his hand against your cheek. You risked a glance back up at him as he wiped a fresh tear from your strawberry-colored cheek that you hadn’t even known had fallen yet. Impressed by his gentle touch, you nonetheless furrowed your brows, the confusion written all over your face. He seemed to have the same sentiment, the silent questions running through each of your minds.
What is this? What happens now?
You watched Eren swallow, his large adams apple bobbing in tandem. You stayed pressed against the wall, waiting for Eren to explain what just happened, why he did what he did, and also waiting for your own mind to figure out why the Hell you liked it.
Eren’s mouth fell open slightly and you tensed, preparing for his words, but they never came. Instead he simply pushed against the wall and thus away from you. Without saying anything he reached over and calmly hit the button for the third floor. It seemed he was still intent on getting you to see a nurse.
The elevator was finally moving, and the jolt caused your already tight stomach to lurch in protest. You slowly lifted your arms to wrap them around your frame, turning away from Eren as if the two of you hadn’t just shared an extremely amazing first kiss; as if the two of you were strangers.
The ride to the third floor seemed to be taking forever, and even though he was on the other side of the elevator now, you could still feel Eren’s presence like it was right next to you. When the elevator dinged and the doors finally opened, you stayed rooted to your spot. Once again you were torn; a part of you wanted to head for the hills and forget this ever happened, and a part of you wanted to stay right here and beg Eren to kiss you again, to make you feel weightless and alive.
“Go on then.”
His voice, now so calm, collected and rather devoid of emotion, snapped you out of your daydream and sent your heart plummeting into your stomach. Swallowing a tennis ball-sized lump, you nodded mutely and stepped out of the elevator, Eren following quietly behind you, the only sign he was still there being his shoes knocking hollowly against the tile flooring.
As you reached the door to the medical office, you paused, hand clutching the doorknob tightly while your injured hand stayed by your side. You had to say something, anything to get Eren to talk to you. You needed to know, needed to know why he had done what he did. Gathering all the strength and courage you had left, you inhaled deeply and turned to face your life-long adversary, prepared to demand answers.
But he wasn’t there.
You glanced around the hallway. Sure enough, no Eren to be found. How had he managed to sneak away without you noticing? Were you that lost in thought? Pursing your lips in frustration both at Eren for leaving and at yourself for being this sensitive in the first place, you turned the knob to the medical office, deciding then and there that you weren’t going to go chasing after Eren Jӓger like a lost puppy. If he wanted to talk to you, he could. Until then, you had a gimp finger to deal with.
“Um, hello,” you greeted the woman at the front desk who offered a warm smile. “I-I think I injured my finger pretty badly…”
It had been four weeks since the kiss you’d shared with Eren. You had ended up simply spraining your finger, but it was healing nicely according to your doctor. In the time from when Eren had taken the liberty to kiss you to now, you hadn’t seen heads or tails of him. You’d showed up to your algebra class the next day, prepared to feel awkward and angry, only for his desk to remain empty. It stayed empty for the next week, and by the time you gathered up the courage to ask your professor if he’d heard anything, he told you in a surprised tone that Eren had transferred to another class. It was weird to see your professor more excited about that fact than yourself.
As stupid as it was, you felt hurt by his action. Had it been that much of a mistake to kiss you? Were you that bad at it? A million thoughts ran through your head after the new information was presented to you, none of them positive. You spent the next few days quite depressed, reduced to a recluse except for when you left to classes. You’d never have thought a stupid boy--much less Eren fucking Jӓger--could have this much of an effect on your self-esteem, but here you were silently crying underneath your comforter and wondering what was wrong with you.
That depression quickly morphed to anger, and in less than a week you were more furious than you were sad. How dare he fucking do this to you! How dare he kiss you and not offer up any explanation, rhyme, or reason. And most of all, how dare he transfer out of your shared class. Eren Jӓger was a fucking pussy.
The next two weeks after that you spent trying to forget he ever existed. That was kind of hard considering you’d spent practically your entire life around him, and for that matter being unable to escape him. For as long as you could remember you had wished that Eren would disappear from your life, and now that he had, you were miserable. It felt like something was missing--and while you had always thought that Eren had dug a hole in your heart to torment you, you were slowly finding out that he’d actually filled one.
Finally, on the fifth week being Jӓger-less, you spotted him.
He was sitting alone at an outside table that belonged to the nearby cafe, looking pretty nervous. You wondered if he was nervous because you might be around, but dismissed it. You watched the wind ruffle the mess that already was his hair and felt a deep urge to run your fingers through it in an attempt to fix it. Your heart was fluttering in your chest as your brain was forced to remember the kiss that happened only four weeks ago. You’d felt like Eren was lost to you forever, but yet there he was--sitting innocently at a table as if the moment between the two of you had never happened. Was he not as affected by it as you were?
All of a sudden, you decided you had to know. There was no way you could go another four weeks without answers. There had to be a reason he had kissed you in the first place! He had initiated it after all, and fuck if you didn’t want him to initiate it again. In the four weeks you’d spent apart from Eren, you’d had more than enough moments to think about your relationship with the brunette, and you’d come to a solid conclusion that you couldn’t keep from him any longer.
Eren’s head snapped up to connect with your gaze, his own eyes widening at your presence. He opened his mouth, stumbling over his words as he searched for something to say. You shook your head, reaching out with your hand to press your once-injured finger against his lips to quiet him.
“I have something I need to say.”
Eren’s gaze softened as he peered up at you, his body relaxing into his chair. You were both lost for a second, the rest of the world ceasing to exist as you gathered the courage to speak and he gathered the courage to maintain his composure. You parted your lips and Eren’s features lit in anticipation.
You both turned your head toward the new voice, your eyes locking with unfamiliar steel colored ones.
“M-Mikasa…” Eren murmured, but you noticed he didn’t seem surprised to see her. Was he expecting her? You furrowed your brows, looking back and forth between them until finally settling on Eren.
“Oh,” you finally said, realization dawning on you. Heat began to flood to your cheeks as everything suddenly began making sense. Of course Eren had been avoiding you like the plague. He’d probably regretted what he did because he was with someone else.
Eren’s eyes widened and he began to stand up from his chair, “Woah, hold on--”
But this time, it was your turn to disappear. You had to get out of there before some kind of major dam erupted and you let everyone--including mystery girl Mikasa--see how pathetic you really were. You spun on your heel, ignoring the desperate calls from Eren as you did so and fighting back the tears that threatened to spill over.
When you were blocks away and positive you were alone, you ducked behind the nearest building and pressed your back against the brick. You cradled your head in your hands as the waterworks finally began, silent sobs raking through your body while you slid to the concrete below. You pulled your knees to your chest and cried, too overwhelmed by the emotions you were feeling to do much else. Confusion, regret, anger...all of them were bubbling up into a volcano that was in danger of erupting.
God, when did you even care this much about Eren? When had he become irreplaceable, or worth this many tears? You were independent by nature and were never one to depend on another. Yet here you were, feeling like your entire world was collapsing all because of a stupid boy you’d let yourself grow entirely too attached to.
You weren’t sure how long you were sitting there, but you were too engrossed in your actions to hear the sound of boots against the pavement surrounding you. The first sound you heard was heavy breathing and you dared a small glance up to see who you would have to explain yourself to.
“E-Eren?” you whispered, eyes widening at the breathless man in front of you. He looked like he’d just ran a marathon and you felt guilty-- at least up until the reason you were upset came flooding back to you.
“God damn it,” he cursed, heaving in between words as he tried to steady himself against the wall. “Why’d you have to run away, idiot?!"
You flinched, taken aback by his abrasiveness. However, his eyes softened not too long after that and he released one final breath--a sigh--before he bent his knees and landed next to you on the ground. He pulled his own knees up and rested his arms on them, staring at the small sliver of sky between the tall buildings you’d chosen to hide in, seemingly contemplating his words.
“She’s not my girlfriend,” he finally whispered, and you felt your heart simultaneously raise and then fall into your gut. “I’m not even dating her. She was meeting me to study for our philosophy final.”
Your gaze stayed focused on the cobblestone beneath you and your mouth began to run before your brain could catch up. “Yeah? And why should I believe you?”
You could literally hear Eren stiffen next to you and you instantly regretted your words. He clenched his hands into infuriated fists on his knees. “Why would I fucking lie to begin with?” he snarled, snapping his head toward you with furrowed brows. “Why would I attempt moving at the speed of light, effectively almost having a heart attack, in order to stop you before I lost you again?”
You had to admit, he did have a point. Your pride--still six times your size--would not let it go, however. You were preparing to argue some more, but Eren seemed to anticipate this, and you fleetingly realized how well he must have known you in order to be able to stop the car wreck that was about to occur. He reached out and pressed a lithe finger against your lips just like you had done to him earlier, silently pleading you to simply be quiet and accept his apology--even if the words ‘I’m sorry’ never really did get said.
Your shoulders slumped and Eren released a pent up breath. You were shrinking in size again, all doubts and hesitations coming to fruition the more the past four weeks caught up with you. Suddenly you had to know--had to know why Eren had ran away that day a month ago, and why he hadn’t bothered to contact you, either.
“Was I...disappointing?” you murmured, so quietly that Eren had to strain his ears and take a moment to understand what you were saying. All bravado you had sported when walking up to Eren earlier was now gone.
“What?” he inquired nonetheless, because though he may have heard your words, he still didn’t comprehend them. “What are you talking about?”
You could feel your face heating beneath his intense gaze. “You know...when you kissed me? Was I bad at it or something?”
Eren let the silence between the two of you grow, and you were too embarrassed and scared of his answer to look at him. Focusing on the concrete beneath you, you picked up a loose pebble and began to fiddle with it, willing your body to somehow magically disappear from his stare.
“Disappointing…” he repeated in a whisper to himself, causing your ears to perk up. “I wouldn’t describe it as that, no.”
“Then what?!” you demanded, lifting your head to challenge him with your gaze. “Why did you kiss me and run away, Eren? Why did you kiss me, leave, and then ignore me for a whole damn month?”
Eren had always been the type to take action rather than use words. You supposed that was why he had chosen to shut you up with his mouth in the elevator, and why, you assumed, he was trying to convey something to you by using the same method. Shock overwhelmed you as Eren’s lips pressed hotly against yours, the kiss searing into your flesh and burning with a white hot fire. His fingers slid effortlessly into your hair, pulling you closer until you knocked foreheads, though it wasn’t so much painful as it was tender and overwhelmingly intimate.
He held you there for longer than the first kiss he’d given you, pouring his entire soul into it in a way that spoke more than a million words ever could. His fingers pressed into your cheeks, writing his desperation against your skin as he tried in vain to get closer to you by slamming his body up against yours. In one kiss, you knew all Eren could never say.
Now pressed between Eren and the wall, even the cool feeling of the concrete behind and beneath you was no match against the heat radiating off your body. Eren’s fingers were roaming, searching your face, neck, shoulders, waist--anywhere they could immediately touch, as if trying to memorize. He pulled back just a few times, the space between you lasting only a second before his lips were crashing wildly into yours again.
You weren’t sure how many times Eren kissed you, there in the dirty and dark alley, luckily hidden from anyone’s passing judgement. Eren pulled back again and this time he chose to let a few more seconds pass between the two of you so he could speak between them. His voice was strained and raspy, as if kissing you had expelled all the energy he had inside him. “I was scared,” he breathed, and you felt the air from his lungs feather across your ruby stained cheeks. He kissed you again, and this time when he pulled away you noticed that fear hiding in the teal hues of his eyes. “I was terrified.”
He pressed his forehead back against yours, and the two of you closed your eyes simultaneously, content to revel in one another’s presence and enjoy the sound of breathless pants emitting from your bruised lips. “I have never met someone that...ignites me in the way you do,” he began to explain, and you could feel him furrow his brows against you. “Sets me on fire. All my frustration, my anger, my passion…”
“How do you handle someone that has that much control over you?” he asked quietly. You took his hand in yours slowly and carefully, scared that any quick movement might make him disappear. “So I ran away. I may be impulsive and rash, but apparently I’m also a coward. And I hate myself for it.”
“Maybe,” you answered him after stewing over his words for a few seconds, fingers dabbling with his own. “Maybe you are all those things, but you’re also unbelievably kind and courageous.” Eren opened his eyes and found you staring back at him, a small smile brimming on your lips.
“You have just as much of a hold over me, idiot,” you whispered your admission, squeezing his hand in yours tightly.
“I am something you should run far away from,” Eren confided next, his voice quiet but his hands were running up your sides, cupping your neck, and grasping the strands of your hair between his digits as he grit his teeth. “Far, far away.”
“Never,” you answered breathlessly, gripping onto Eren’s jacket desperately. “I’d choose you every single time, Eren Jӓger. Every. Single. Time.”
And then he was kissing you again, feverishly and with a need that you hadn’t experienced except during your heated debates--when Eren needed to win, and you needed to beat Eren. The passion, hidden beneath confusion and mistaken with hate, was manifesting in dangerous and frenzied touches, fingers trying to map territory they knew they had missed exploring for years.
“I think we should go--ah, Eren--” you gasped as Eren’s teeth sunk into your neck, his fingers clawing at your shirt incautiously.
Eren hissed through his teeth as he inhaled, knowing you were right but he couldn’t seem to make himself move. “Damn it, I want to keep kissing you.”
You laughed quietly at his admission. “How you manage to be adorable and such a turn on at the same time is a true mystery, Jӓger.”
“My specialty,” he whispered against your jawline, nipping at it playfully before lifting himself off the ground with a smirk. He held out his hand for you and you took it gratefully, cursing silently at your legs that were just about to fall asleep from resting too long on the uncomfortable concrete.
Eren surprised you yet again by tugging you against his chest, enveloping your smaller body in his arms so tightly that you were forced to press your nose against his shoulder. You inhaled greedily, revelling in just how good he smelled, reminding you of that day back in the elevator. He seemed to be doing the same thing against your hair, and then you both released tense breaths before pulling away, only to keep your fingers of one hand tangled together.
You squeezed his hand again in reassurance, watching as his teal eyes softened at the smile teasing the corners of your lips.
Maybe you two were absolutely wrong for each other, if the years of fighting was anything to go by. Maybe you would never make it. Maybe he’d break you. Maybe.
But maybe not. And you were willing to chance it for that.
- Fin -